Written on my Heart...
True Confession:
I'm not exactly a rocket scientist at doing anything on a regular basis for myself.I have good intentions, but I always wimp out when it comes to juggling life, home, school, emotions, cancer, responsibilities, friendships, eating, and sleeping. I tend to do the "convenient" and the "important" things first, and then I let the rest slip. Of course I must eat and sleep... (in fact, I NEVER forget to fit those things in!) Next comes responsibilities, which I let dictate, too often, what eats up my time and what I let slide. After awhile, the slip-sliding of responsibilities tends to weigh me down and then I end up going "overtime" on the responsibility scale. One thing I know for sure...I've been working too late. That's my main "Focus Goal" for this coming week. That I might consciously WALK OUT THE DOOR before 4:30pm each night this week.
I realized several things about myself this past week. Even though I haven't chronicled my thoughts on a daily basis, I've been churning thoughts and ideas about myself in my heart and mind. It's been a very good thing for me, to begin thinking about internally motivating thoughts, feeling, and random ideas. It's like my internal "journal pages" have been opened back up and my mental and emotional "pen" has been at work, jotting things down.
Every time I felt like perhaps I should sit down and just dump these thoughts, feelings and ideas down... I, instead, sat down. It seems that I run, run, run, all day long. When I finally make it home to stop... I do just that. I stop. Someone said to me, "Gosh, I NEV-VER SEE YOU anymore!" And to that I replied, "Honestly... if you're not on Survivor, Biggest Loser, or Dancing with the Stars... you don't see me!" Those are the only things that I do on a regular basis and I'm committed to do. There are several reasons for this. First and foremost, it's because that's where and when I connect with my hubby.
Quite honestly... I do believe that we have become the Awchie and Edith Bunkah (Like my BAWWWW-STON accent?) of our own living room!
I loved those old shows! I guess I find peacefulness in my own recliner. I'm an Armchair Princess and my Prince Charming, Steve sits adjacent to my throne, in the throne right beside mine!
There are lots of things that I used to do that I miss. It first was brought to my attention last Sunday, when the sermon message brought up the concept of FELLOWSHIP and how, as Christians, we must be in fellowship both with God, personally, and then outside of our relationship with the Lord, how we must strive to be in fellowship with other Christians. Before that, I hadn't realized how deeply I was missing my daily contacts with my friends in teaching. Even though we were just down the hall from each other, we always managed... somehow, to connect. Even if it was just a peek-in-the-door that sang a cheerful "Good Morrrrr-ning!!" I really miss those fellowship connections.
In every job that I've had, since I was 16... I've worked with some real drama-doozies! You know that kind... that sort of people who, no matter how hard I tried to not let them get under my skin, they always managed to SUCK THE LIFE right out of the atmosphere. There are 1 or 2 in every establishment. And in my former school... there were several, what I refer to as TOXIC personalities. People who could not bear to see another teacher have success, or even so much as a tiny bit of unexpected recognition, or positive influences on their students. It's those "select few" that pushed me out and away from my safety net at Bayard. Then... coming to my new surroundings, I felt safe... in my own little world... responsible for myself and one other person... and nobody else bothered me.
And I'll be the first to admit that, for the first year, it was GREAT!!
Then, this summer, when things really began to heat up in the family dynamics department of my life... I realized that without my true-and-tried-heart-sisters... I never would've made it through. What kind of woman would allow me to drain my tears on her shoulders... day after day... and never once complained about what a big fat baby I was? A GIFT FROM GOD FRIEND~ that's for sure! I had so much drama... and emotional baggage... and inner turmoil... and she held it for me while it had a chance to drip-dry. My soggy life hung on the line of our safe friendship and the gentle winds of healing were at work in my heart. And the bond that we share is crisp and fresh. After the drippy-drama of my summer dried up... I felt that something was truly missing in my life. I find myself missing the up-close and in-person contacts of friendship.
But that's not all I'm craving...
I also began to realize that I haven't taken the time to commune with myself and my own thoughts and feelings. Since my dad's cancer diagnosis, I've been so wrapped up in telling HIS STORY... I've lost sight of my own story. I've been so driven to write out the events of his journey... I've somehow gotten lost on my own personal journey.
As much as my heart so desires to be a writer... there seems to be this flashing yellow light that really makes me stop in my track, whenever people continually tell me that because of my Caring Bridge posts... I need to WRITE A BOOK!
But seriously?? I DON'T WANT TO WRITE THIS BOOK ABOUT MY DAD HAVING CANCER.
I don't want to think, every time that I post something, that people are looking at my works, admiring my thoughts, thinking that I should do something with this talent.
I just need my heart's words to be heard and understood. I just need my transparent life to stay see-through, to those I trust with it the most. I just want the assurance that my inner voice, no matter how hoarse, or off-key, or scratchy, or whispery it may be... is heard. Not even by people... but by God. And that 's when I realized that the thing that I valued most about myself, so many years ago, was my ability to get in touch with my inner voice and just pour out those words no matter what the venue.
The Monthly column... Apron Strings From the Heart.
The Weekly Mama's Heart column in the Gering Courier.
My kids publication work in the Kids Courier... recognized with a State Press Award, and then tucked inside some drawer in a big binder full of my other published writings.
My one and only contact with a book publisher never resulted from anything.
The volumes and volumes of unfinished journals from my journey through motherhood that sit collecting dust on the shelves, serve as my own personal autobiography of my life.
But I must remember... I am a writer... a published author. An award winning journalist. I guess I'm more like a freelance writer on sabbatical. Which causes me to wonder... how long can one be on sabbatical until you're listed as AWOL?! :o)
I took time off from my writing aspirations to become a teacher. December 4th of 2000, to be exact. And then I agreed to try my hand at being a librarian and look at me now~ I'm a teacher of BOOKS! I'm a keeping of volumes, and books, and pages, and chapters. This is no coincidence... this has to be a sign from God that He's got me right were He wants for me to be. Why else would I be so in love with other's work ~ when I've lost sight of my own author's purpose? Perhaps it's time for me again, to begin my own story. To reclaim my own bias. To reveal my own muse.
If I had to organize my own mumble-jumbled top 10 list for this first week of my 100 day pilgrimage, it would read
#10. This week I've learned to hate the idea of "mechanically separated" anything.
#9. I've discovered that the thought of McDonald's in the morning makes me wanna barf.
#8. I've not frequented the donut counter of the Gering Bakery for several months.
#7. I've found that the frozen water in my water bottle thaws out too quickly in my classroom.
#6. I found a smaller 3-digit number on the scale that hasn't associated itself with me in YEARS!
#5. I am becoming my mother... and that's alright with me!
#4. I am more of a manager of my own time than I realized before.
#3. The exerciser that sits against the wall in my living room will not get up and set itself in motion.
#2. I like cooler weather. It makes me want to get up and move... so why don't I do it?
#1. I am beginning to make better eating choices.
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